LIFE

agenda

Drink my deliciously strong coffee
Go pick up my check
deposit it and pull out rent money
Go to target
Go to gym
Go to work

Busy day!

i just want to be rich enough to go to freaking paris for school without having to wait a year for fafsa to decide i make a small enough amount of money to get grants! gosh.

i feel i may throw up.

i was just accepted to the american university of paris. 

what?

I applied on a whim, just wanting to get away…it would figure that by the time i’ve become content with where i am i would be given an acceptance letter. WHAT IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?

i love keith. i don’t want to leave him.

But on the other hand, I begged the universe to give me the chance to go. 

I know there is a right decision and there is a wrong one…but the lines are rather blurred I must say.

I don’t know how i feel.

you know how you love something so much more the moment you feel you might lose it? that is how i feel right now about keith. and then i think, well what if i don’t take the opportunity and a month from now things deteriorate between us and i end up alone AND lacking in opportunity.

so many what if’s going on right now.

what to do.

Of course it would be the moment I think “I love you” that you insult me and make me feel far from beautiful. Of course.

i want to go to the american university of paris so badly! ahhhhh. i wish i was rich and had tried harder in high school :P lawls.

i am applying anyway, jussssst in case.

probs won’t happen, but if it does wouldn’t that be something?

sigh.

i finally wrote something i like today

for days i have been writing in two books, one a journal, one meant for poetry and prose (that was supposed to be my gift) and i’ve just not had inspiration. but today i wrote something, and it’s nothing spectacular, but i like it quite a bit, and i feel…relieved. sigh.

when you are so used to fixing things

that you fix them even when they should be broken

and it comes off weak

but that’s just who you are

you’re a fixer

you fix things

no one wants to be broken

so you just don’t allow it

and one day all of the patched up cracks

will cause you to crumble

but not today.

i swear to god, i swear it i swear it i swear it, i will never ever care for someone again. i will never trust anyone, never think of loving them, never think them to be anymore than what i am to them; worthless.

i don’t understand why i’ve deserved everything i’ve dealt with.

i don’t understand at all.

but never again.